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  • Writer's pictureEvolve Therapy

Finding the Spark in your Relationship Again After an Affair

An affair can be a devastating experience for both partners in a relationship. It can shatter trust and create feelings of betrayal, hurt, and anger. If you're reading this, it's likely that you or someone you know is trying to repair a relationship after an affair, whether it was an emotional affair or a physical one.

Following an affair, it can be understandable to doubt if the spark and deep connection you once shared can ever be recovered. The good news is that it is possible to find that spark again and rebuild your relationship, but it will take time, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable and honest with one another.

Repairing a broken relationship after an affair is not easy and will require both partners to be committed to the process. Relationship therapists will tell you it will involve facing difficult emotions and having tough conversations. Seeking outside help from a couples therapist or counselor will help with this. Rekindling the spark in a relationship will also include rebuilding trust, which can take time and may involve setting boundaries as well as agreeing to accountability measures.

It's important to remember that finding the spark in your relationship again is not about forgetting the affair or pretending it never happened. Instead, it's about acknowledging the pain that the affair caused and working through it together. It's about finding a way to reconnect and rebuild lost intimacy and trust. With patience, understanding, and a willingness to work through the challenges, it is possible to find the spark in your relationship, and create a stronger, more loving intimate connection.

Understanding the Emotional Impact of an Affair

Some people believe that an affair is all about sex. However, affairs can happen even to couples with good sex lives, if one partner is unhappy in other ways and starts to build an emotional relationship with someone else. While sexual intimacy or infidelity can be a factor, it is not the primary reason many people cheat or leave a long-term relationship.

An emotional affair begins when a person starts to build emotional intimacy with an affair partner, often in ways that fulfill emotional needs that may feel unmet in their relationship. Partners in an emotional affair don't necessarily even have to meet in person, and in some cases affairs occur entirely over social media accounts. Many experts and studies have found that nonsexual affection or emotional affairs can be even more damaging to a relationship than a physical affair.

If you suspect your partner has an inappropriately intimate relationship with someone else, whether it is an emotional or physical affair, it is essential to understand its impact on your relationship. Here are four ways that emotional affairs can negatively impact your relationship:

Emotional Infidelity Undermines Trust

When your partner confides in someone else and keeps secrets from you, it can be a deeply painful and hurtful experience. It's natural to feel a sense of betrayal and to question the foundations of your relationship. This can be especially difficult to overcome if your partner is having an affair with someone you know, such as a mutual friend, as it can feel like a personal attack or a betrayal of your shared connection.

Broken trust can be one of the most challenging obstacles to overcome in a romantic relationship. It can lead to a breakdown in communication, emotional distance, and a loss of intimacy. In the worst cases, it can even lead to the breakdown of the relationship itself. It's important to address trust issues as soon as possible and to be proactive in working to repair and rebuild the trust that has been damaged.

Feelings of Insecurity

If your partner spends more time talking to someone else about their intimate thoughts and feelings, it can make you feel you are not good enough for them. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and jealousy. These feelings can be challenging to manage and can eventually lead to the relationship's demise.

Resentment and Bitterness

When an individual in a relationship turns to someone outside the bounds of that partnership for emotional fulfillment and physical intimacy, it can lead to resentment on the part of their current partner. This feeling may cause further separation between them while potentially leading to heartache down the road.

Additionally, it can cause bitterness as the hurt partner may feel betrayed and resentful of the other’s actions. This type of mental angst can last for years after the relationship has ended, making it difficult for the wounded partner to move on with their life in a healthy manner.

Effects on Mental and Emotional Health

Dealing with the pain and betrayal of an emotional affair can affect your mental and emotional health. It can cause complicated feelings such as anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder. If you are struggling to cope with the aftermath of an emotional affair, it is vital to seek professional help from a relationship therapist like the team at Evolve Therapy, who can help you heal.

If you suspect your partner is having an emotional affair, it is important to confront them. This is not an easy conversation to have, but it is necessary to save your relationship.

What You Can Do to Reconnect With Your Partner

When reconnecting with your partner, consider what might have caused the disconnect in the first place. Once you identify the root of the problem, you can begin to take steps to reconnect with your partner on a deeper level. Here are other things you might want to consider reconnecting with your partner:

Talk About What Happened

Take some time to sit down with your partner and talk about what happened. If you yourself had an affair, be open and honest about your role in the affair, and listen carefully to what your partner says. You both must have a chance to express how you're feeling and what you're hoping for moving forward. Consider seeking professional counseling together as this can provide a much-needed space for the couple to communicate openly and honestly about what happened, why it happened, and how to move forward.

Work to Rebuild Trust and Control

An affair can be a devastating blow to a relationship. It can destroy trust and leave both partners feeling insecure and struggling to regain control. Building trust takes time, patience, and effort. It will require open communication, honesty, and a willingness to work together. Seeing a couples therapist who has experience working with affairs can be extremely helpful, as they can guide you through a professionally developed trust revival method, and create a safe space for difficult conversations and rebuilding connection.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

The process of forgiveness and reconciliation after an affair can be difficult and painful. However, it is often necessary to move forward and rebuild trust. Forgiving does not mean forgetting what happened or condoning the behavior. Instead, it is a process of releasing anger and hurt to move on with our lives. Many couples find that the process of forgiveness and reconciliation is a slow and gradual one. Therefore, being patient and understanding with each other during this time, and continually making space for all the feelings that come up, is essential.

Redefining Your Relationship

After an affair, it's important to redefine what your relationship looks like moving forward. This might mean setting new boundaries or creating a more open and honest relationship where you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings.

No matter what might be causing the disconnect, there are steps you can take to reconnect with your partner. Communicating openly, spending quality time together as both friends and partners, and working through external stresses can deepen your connection and build back a strong relationship.

Ways to Get the Spark Back

Getting the spark back in a relationship after an affair is difficult. But it's not impossible. If you're both willing to work at it, you can start to rebuild trust and intimacy and rekindle the passion you once shared.

Go Back to Where It All Started

It's essential to spend time together doing things that you used to enjoy before the affair. This can help rekindle the romance and passion that was there at the start of your relationship. Plan special date nights, take trips together, or spend time talking and reconnecting.

Communicate With Your Partner

To communicate effectively, you can have good communication skills. All you need to do is express your thoughts and feelings openly and without fear of judgment. It is vital to be an active listener. Pay attention to what your partner is saying and try to understand their point of view.

Seek Counseling

It is common for couples to seek counseling after one member in the relationship has had an affair. Couples counseling can provide a much-needed space for the couple to communicate openly and honestly about what happened, why it happened, and how to move forward. Additionally, the process of couples counseling can often help the couple regain the spark in their relationship and rebuild trust.

How to Know That You Have Found the Spark

All relationships go through ups and downs, and it is natural to feel like things are not as exciting as they used to be. One way to tell if you have found the spark again is if you feel more connected to your partner. This can be a physical connection, such as feeling more attracted to them or wanting to spend more time with them. It can also be an emotional connection, such as feeling more understood by them or feeling closer to them overall. The spark is likely reignited if you feel more connected to your partner.

Another way to tell if the spark is back is if you are both putting in more effort and being more open and communicative with each other than before. This may look like doing things for each other that you wouldn't normally do or going out of your way to make each other happy. If you both feel like you are putting in more effort than usual, it is a good sign that the spark is returning.

Finally, another way to know if the spark is back is if you are both happier overall. This can be evidenced by laughing more together, being more playful with each other, and enjoying each other's company more. If you find yourselves being happier when you are together, it's a good sign that the spark is there.


No relationship is perfect, and even the strongest go through tough times. If you're struggling to find the spark in your relationship again after an affair, know that it's possible to move past this and come out more vital than ever. It will take time, patience, and effort from both partners, but it is possible to reignite the love and passion you once had. With a little bit of work, you can fall back in love with your partner all over again. Schedule a consultation with Evolve Therapy today to discuss all the things left unsaid.



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