top of page
  • Writer's pictureEvolve Therapy

Attachment Style and Emotional Regulation

Have you ever noticed how some people seem to handle their emotions with ease, while others struggle to regulate their feelings? Have you wondered why? One thing that can be a big factor behind the differences in people's ability to emotionally regulate is attachment style. Attachment styles are patterns of behavior that develop in childhood based on our relationships with caregivers. They have a significant impact on how we perceive and respond to emotions throughout our lives.

Multi-colored post-its with lots of different facial expressions drawn on them.

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage your emotions effectively, which is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and overall well-being. Understanding your attachment style and developing self-awareness and emotional intelligence can help you identify the root causes of your emotional responses, enabling you to manage them more effectively.

In this article, we will explore the role of self-awareness, emotional intelligence, stress management techniques, cognitive restructuring, positive thinking, and self-compassion in regulating emotions according to different attachment styles. We will also provide practical strategies for improving emotional regulation skills that can enhance intimacy in personal relationships.

What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotional responses that develop in early childhood based on our interactions with primary caregivers, typically our parents. These styles shape how we perceive, approach, and regulate emotions in relationships throughout our lives. There are four main attachment styles:

  1. Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and closeness in relationships. They are generally able to regulate their emotions effectively and have healthy coping mechanisms. They trust their partners and have a sense of security in relationships.

  2. Avoidant Attachment: People with an avoidant attachment style value independence and self-reliance and may have difficulty forming close relationships. They often prefer to keep their distance and avoid emotional intimacy. They may suppress or dismiss their own emotions and may struggle with emotional expression and vulnerability.

  3. Anxious Attachment: Individuals with an anxious attachment style seek closeness and validation from their partners but may worry about rejection or abandonment. They can be preoccupied with their relationships and may exhibit clingy or controlling behavior. They often experience heightened levels of anxiety, insecurity, and emotional distress in relationships and may struggle with emotional regulation.

  4. Disorganized Attachment: The disorganized attachment style is characterized by a mixture of contradictory behaviors and emotions. Individuals with this style may exhibit erratic or unpredictable behaviors and struggle with regulating their emotions. This attachment style is often associated with a history of trauma or inconsistent caregiving, leading to difficulties in forming stable and secure relationships.

It's important to note that attachment styles are not necessarily rigid and can be influenced by various factors, including personal experiences, relationships, and therapy. Understanding your own attachment style can provide insight into your patterns of emotional regulation and help you develop healthier ways of relating to others.

How self-awareness and emotional intelligence can help in identifying one's own attachment style

A yellow and blue brain and red heart made out of clay

Want to better understand your attachment style? Start by enhancing your self-awareness and emotional intelligence. They can help you recognize patterns and tendencies within yourself.

Self-awareness is all about understanding your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. By being more aware of how you react in certain situations--especially how you feel and behave in relationships--you can begin to identify whether your attachment style is anxious, avoidant, or secure.

Emotional intelligence also plays a critical role in identifying one's attachment style. This concept refers to our ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions as well as empathize with the emotions of others.

By developing emotional intelligence, you can become more attuned to your own feelings and can distinguish between different emotions such as anxiety, fear, or longing. This awareness enables you to understand how your attachment style influences your emotional experiences and the way you interact with others. It helps you recognize if you tend to seek excessive reassurance, distance yourself emotionally, or experience heightened anxiety in relationships.

If you want a more accurate understanding of your attachment style, consider taking adult attachment measures such as the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) or the Relationship Scales Questionnaire (RSQ). These tools can provide valuable insights into your relational tendencies and help guide you towards creating healthier attachments going forward.

The role of attachment styles in understanding and managing emotions

Knowing your own attachment style (and the attachment styles of your loved ones) can be a very helpful tool in learning to better understand and manage your emotions. It can help you recognize why you may have certain emotional patterns and reactions in relationships.

For example, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have effective emotional regulation skills and can express their needs and emotions in a healthy manner. On the other hand, insecure attachment styles often lead to difficulties in emotion regulation. Those with an anxious attachment style may experience heightened anxiety and insecurity, while individuals with an avoidant attachment style may struggle with emotional expression and intimacy.

By understanding your attachment style, you can gain insight into the root causes of our emotional responses and work towards developing healthier ways of managing your emotions. This self-awareness can allow you to navigate relationships more effectively, build emotional resilience, and cultivate greater well-being.

Stress Management and Coping Skills for Different Attachment Styles

The word "stress" written in pencil and partially erased

Coping with stress and managing emotions can vary depending on your attachment style. Your attachment style influences how you perceive and respond to emotional situations, but it's not a fixed trait. By learning self-regulation strategies, you can develop better emotional control and improve your relationships.

If you have a secure attachment style, you tend to have healthy emotional regulation skills. During challenging times, seeking support from loved ones, practicing self-care, and maintaining healthy boundaries can help.

For those with an avoidant attachment style, it may be helpful to reflect on your avoidance patterns and understand the reasons behind them. Gradually opening up to trusted individuals and sharing your thoughts and feelings in small steps can foster trust and intimacy over time. Practicing mindful self-soothing techniques can help manage stress and regulate emotions.

If you have an anxious attachment style, see if you can challenge negative thoughts that contribute to anxiety and replace them with more realistic and positive perspectives. Developing self-soothing strategies, such as grounding exercises or mindfulness practices, can also help calm anxiety during stressful situations. Openly communicating your needs and concerns in relationships fosters open and honest communication, reducing anxiety and promoting healthier connections.

For those with a disorganized attachment style, seeking therapy can provide a valuable space to explore and address underlying trauma or unresolved issues. Creating a safety plan that includes strategies to ensure your physical and emotional well-being during times of stress or triggering situations can be helpful. Cultivating self-compassion and understanding that healing takes time can support your emotional growth and well-being.

The Role of Cognitive Restructuring and Positive Thinking

With the power of positive thinking and cognitive restructuring, individuals can reframe their thoughts and beliefs to improve their overall well-being and reduce stress.

Cognitive restructuring involves identifying and challenging negative or distorted thoughts that may be contributing to unhealthy emotions or behaviors. For example, let's say your partner unexpectedly cancels plans for the weekend, and you feel really upset. Your initial thought might be, "They don't value spending time with me. They must not care about our relationship."

To engage in cognitive restructuring, you can challenge this thought by examining alternative explanations and considering the evidence. Ask yourself questions like, "Is there any other reason why my partner might have canceled? Have they shown care and affection in other ways?"

As you evaluate the evidence, you might reframe your initial thought to a more balanced perspective. For instance, you might think, "While it's disappointing that my partner canceled, I know they have been stressed at work recently. They have shown care and support in other aspects of our relationship, and it's possible that something urgent came up."

With practice, individuals can learn to identify negative thought patterns early on and replace them with more positive ones. This leads to improved emotional regulation skills that benefit all areas of life.

Changing negative thought patterns associated with certain attachment styles

Changing negative thought patterns can greatly benefit individuals with insecure attachment styles, as it can improve their overall emotional regulation. Often times, those with insecure attachment styles may have developed negative thought patterns due to past experiences that have shaped their beliefs about themselves and others. These negative beliefs can lead to self-doubt, anxiety, and difficulty forming healthy relationships.

For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may believe that they are not worthy of love or that their partner will inevitably leave them. By challenging these beliefs through evidence-based techniques like cognitive restructuring or reframing thoughts in a more positive light, individuals can begin to develop more secure attachment styles and ultimately improve their emotional well-being.

Overall, by recognizing the impact of our thoughts on our emotions and behaviors, we can take proactive steps towards developing healthier attachment styles and improving our overall mental health.

How self-compassion can aid in emotional regulation and healing

Now that you've learned about different strategies for self-regulation based on your attachment style, it's important to explore how practicing self-compassion can aid in emotional regulation and healing.

Self-compassion is the practice of treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance during difficult times. Instead of criticizing or punishing yourself, self-compassion involves acknowledging your emotions and offering yourself comfort and support.

Studies have shown that individuals who practice self-compassion experience less anxiety, depression, and stress. In fact, research has found that individuals who are securely attached tend to exhibit more self-compassion than those who are insecurely attached.

Practicing self-compassion can help you regulate your emotions by providing a buffer against negative emotions and thoughts that often come with challenging experiences. By incorporating self-compassion into therapy sessions, individuals can learn to develop a healthier relationship with themselves while also improving their overall emotional well-being.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the definition of attachment style?

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotional responses that develop in early childhood based on our interactions with primary caregivers, typically our parents. These styles shape how we perceive, approach, and regulate emotions in relationships throughout our lives.

How does emotional regulation affect attachment style?

Your ability to regulate emotions can greatly impact your attachment style. Individuals with effective emotional regulation tend to have secure attachment styles, whereas those with emotion regulation difficulties may display insecure or avoidant styles.

Can attachment style change over time?

Yes, attachment style can change over time. Your experiences and relationships can influence your attachment style. Therapy can also help you develop a more secure attachment style by addressing underlying issues and improving emotional regulation skills.

What are some common coping mechanisms for individuals with insecure attachment styles?

Did you know that individuals with insecure attachment styles often struggle with negative emotions and turn to maladaptive coping mechanisms? Some common ones include substance use, avoidance, and self-harm. Seeking help from a therapist can improve emotional regulation skills.

How does childhood trauma affect attachment style and emotional regulation?

Childhood trauma can cause insecure attachment styles and emotional dysregulation. This leads to difficulty in forming close relationships and managing emotions. Seek therapy to address past trauma and develop healthy coping mechanisms.


Our attachment styles influence our ability to regulate our emotions and form secure relationships over the course of our lives. If you ever struggle to understand your own emotions and where they're coming from, to keep your emotions balanced, or to stay securely connected to loved ones, doing more self-investigation about your attachment style can really help.

At Evolve Therapy, all our therapists specialize in Emotionally Focused Therapy, which is based in attachment theory. We're experts on these topics, and we can provide a safe and supportive space where you can delve deeper into understanding your attachment style, exploring the root causes of emotional patterns, and developing healthier ways of managing your emotions and relationships. We'd love to help you build steadiness in yourself and strong bonds with the important people in your life. Reach out to learn more about how to get started.


Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page