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Co-Dependency and Attachment Style

Today, we're diving deep into the fascinating world of relationships, emotional bonds, and a topic that affects many of us in subtle ways: co-dependency and attachment styles. You know those moments when you feel like you just can't live without someone or when your mood is directly influenced by the people around you? Well, we've all been there! And today, we're going to dig in on what's behind those feelings and bonds, and what can make them healthy, or not.

Two hands handcuffed together on a pink background

Attachment style is a term used to describe the way we emotionally bond with others, often based on our childhood experiences and learned behaviors. However, when attachment styles become maladaptive, they can lead to codependency - a toxic relationship dynamic that harms both partners.

Co-dependency and attachment style are intimately related because they both affect how we view ourselves and relate to others. Codependent relationships often involve one partner who relies heavily on the other for approval, validation, or emotional support.

This can stem from an insecure attachment style developed in childhood where caregivers were inconsistent or unavailable.

In this article, we'll explore how co-dependency and attachment style intersect, how they can harm your relationships, and what steps you can take to overcome codependency for a healthier future.

What is a codependent relationship?

A codependent relationship is a dynamic in which two individuals become emotionally and behaviorally interdependent to an unhealthy extent. In such relationships, one person often takes on the role of a caretaker or enabler, while the other assumes the role of the dependent or needy partner.

Codependent individuals may derive their sense of self-worth from constantly meeting the needs of their partner, often neglecting their own well-being and sacrificing personal boundaries in the process. This pattern can lead to a cycle of emotional reliance, where both parties become stuck in a dysfunctional loop that reinforces unhealthy behaviors and patterns.

Codependent relationships are characterized by a lack of autonomy, poor communication, and an inability to address conflicts constructively. Recognizing and understanding the signs of codependency is crucial for breaking free from these patterns and fostering healthier connections built on mutual respect, support, and genuine emotional intimacy.

The word "codependency" written in wooden blocks with a finger pointing to "co"

How do attachment styles play into codependency?

Attachment styles play a significant role in the development of codependent relationships. Our attachment style is formed early in life based on our experiences with caregivers, and it shapes how we approach and handle emotional connections with others.

Within attachment theory, there are three main types of attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. Anxious attachment style individuals tend to be clingy and seek constant reassurance from their partners, while avoidant attachment style individuals tend to pull away when intimacy becomes too much.

In the context of codependency, individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to seek excessive reassurance and validation from their partners, often becoming overly dependent on them for emotional support. On the other hand, individuals with an avoidant attachment style may distance themselves emotionally and resist intimacy, which can trigger fear of abandonment in their partners, reinforcing the cycle of codependency.

Moreover, codependent relationships can perpetuate and exacerbate attachment insecurities, making it challenging for individuals to break free from unhealthy patterns. Understanding and addressing these attachment styles is crucial for breaking the cycle of codependency and fostering healthier and more secure relationships.

How to overcome codependency in relationships

If you're looking to overcome codependency in relationships, it's important to start by recognizing your own patterns and triggers. Codependent relationships often stem from early childhood attachment patterns and can lead to a lack of boundaries, self-esteem issues, and difficulty with personal growth.

Identifying these patterns and triggers can be difficult, but therapy can provide a safe space to explore and work through them. In addition to therapy, it's important to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships.

This means learning how to say no without feeling guilty or responsible for the other person's emotions. It also means taking responsibility for your own happiness and well-being rather than relying on others for validation or fulfillment.

With time and effort, you can learn to break free from codependency patterns and cultivate healthier relationships based on mutual respect and support.

Can a Codependent Relationship Be Saved?

Saving a codependent relationship requires both partners to acknowledge their individual needs and work towards creating healthy boundaries. Codependent behavior be challenging to overcome, especially if one or both partners have unhealthy attachment styles.

It's essential to understand that codependency isn't just about needing each other; it's about relying on each other for emotional validation and support. To save a codependent relationship, both partners need to develop a more secure attachment style.

This means learning how to communicate effectively, setting boundaries, and being self-reliant while still being able to rely on your partner when necessary. It's important not to confuse healthy dependence with codependence as they are different concepts altogether.

By recognizing the patterns of behavior that lead to codependency and working together towards creating a healthier dynamic, both partners can move towards a more fulfilling relationship filled with intimacy and trust.

How to Get Help With Codependency Issues

Getting assistance for codependency problems involves recognizing the need for support and seeking out appropriate resources, such as therapy or support groups. Codependency can be a challenging issue to overcome, and it may not be something that you can handle on your own.

Seeking professional help is an important step towards healing and achieving healthy relationships. Therapy is a common resource for those struggling with codependency issues. A therapist can help you identify patterns of behavior that contribute to co-dependency and attachment style problems. They can also teach coping mechanisms and strategies for building healthier relationships. Our team at Evolve Therapy is experienced in working with codependency, and we'd be glad to support you through individual, couple or family therapy to build back toward secure and healthy relationships.

Support groups are another option for finding help with codependency issues. Joining a group of people who share similar experiences can provide emotional support, validation, and a sense of community.

Remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness but rather an act of strength in acknowledging that you need assistance in improving your life.

Work to Improve Your Self Esteem

When you struggle with co-dependency and attachment style issues, it can be easy to overlook your own needs and focus solely on others. However, practicing self-care is vital in personal growth and development. To boost your confidence and break free from negative thought patterns, it's important to work on improving your self-esteem.

One effective way to improve your self-esteem is by focusing on your strengths. Make a list of the things you excel at or enjoy doing, no matter how small they may seem. Celebrate these accomplishments and use them as motivation for further self-improvement strategies.

Additionally, make time for activities that bring you joy or help you relax - this could be anything from taking a bubble bath to reading a book. Remember: taking care of yourself isn't selfish; it's necessary for both your well-being and those around you.

Set and Enforce Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for taking control of your life and creating a clear separation between yourself and others. In co-dependent relationships, it can often feel like there's no separation between your partner's feelings and needs, and your own--like you're responsible for all of it. And it can feel like you need to do anything for your partner or for the relationship, regardless of what you want or what feels healthy and good.

Living without any boundaries in a relationship is unhealthy and unsustainable. If it goes on too long, it will create a buildup of toxic patterns and leave you feeling burnt out -- potentially leading to the end of the very relationship you were working so hard to preserve.

When you aren't used to it, setting boundaries can feel scary -- but prioritizing your own needs is not selfish. Choosing your own health is choosing the health of the relationship. It's ensuring that you'll be able to show up for your partner long-term with continued energy and care, without getting burnt out.

By setting boundaries, you're communicating what you're comfortable with and what you expect from others. Boundaries help establish expectations in relationships, which leads to healthier dynamics overall. In order to set boundaries effectively, it's important to first identify what your needs are and communicate them clearly. This not only helps prevent misunderstandings but also allows for more open communication in healthy relationships.

Setting and enforcing boundaries may take practice, but it's an essential step towards building positive connections with others while maintaining autonomy over your own life.

Strengthen Your Communication Skills

Improving your communication skills is essential for building strong and healthy relationships. This is especially true for individuals struggling with co-dependency and attachment style issues. These behavior patterns can often lead to ineffective communication, which can further exacerbate relationship problems. To break free from the cycle of codependency and nurture more fulfilling connections, it's crucial to focus on enhancing your ability to communicate openly, honestly, and assertively.

One of the key components of effective communication is active listening. This means giving your full attention to your partner when they are speaking, without interrupting or judging. Try to understand their feelings, needs, and concerns, and respond with empathy and validation.

Be honest and transparent about your emotions and needs. Avoid beating around the bush or resorting to passive-aggressive behavior. Clearly express what you want to communicate and use "I" statements to take responsibility for your feelings.

Avoid assumptions and mind-reading. Jumping to conclusions and assuming you know what your partner is thinking can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. Instead, ask open-ended questions and encourage honest communication to gain a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives.

Effective communication is a skill that takes time and practice to develop. But by prioritizing open and respectful dialogue, you can gradually build stronger and more fulfilling connections.

Practice Mindfulness

By practicing mindfulness, you can cultivate a deeper awareness of your thoughts and emotions. Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment, fully engaged with your surroundings.

When you are mindful, you pay attention to what's happening inside of you without judgment or criticism. Notice your thoughts and emotions, as well as how you feel in your body.

For those struggling with co-dependency and attachment style issues, mindfulness can be an effective tool for self-awareness improvement. Through practicing mindfulness regularly, individuals can gain a better understanding of their own thoughts and emotions, as well as how they relate to others.

This increased self-awareness can lead to improved personality development and better communication skills, ultimately strengthening interpersonal relationships. By incorporating mindfulness into daily life, those struggling with co-dependency and attachment style issues can begin to break free from negative patterns and move towards healthier behaviors.

Spend Time on Your Own

Take some time for yourself and enjoy your own company. It can be a great way to recharge and connect with your inner thoughts and feelings. In a codependent dynamic, individuals often become emotionally enmeshed with their partners, making it challenging to discern their own needs, desires, and identities from those of their partner. Spending time on your own can help you get in touch with your own feelings, and develop a healthy sense of autonomy and independence.

Taking time for yourself allows you to rediscover who you are as an individual. It provides an opportunity to explore your interests, passions, and personal goals, thereby fostering a sense of self-empowerment and autonomy.

During your time alone, it's also important to practice self-care. Hard or uncomfortable feelings may come up, and this is natural. Allow yourself to feel them, and use self-care practices like mindfulness, self-compassion, and doing activities you enjoy in order to find your own comfort. By learning to self-soothe and hold your own emotions, you can counter patterns of over-relying on partners for emotional support, build your trust in yourself.

Overall, taking the time to invest in yourself is essential for building healthy relationships based on mutual respect and interdependence rather than codependence.

Work with a Therapist

Consider working with a therapist who can help you navigate your emotions and behaviors in a safe and supportive environment. Co-dependency and attachment style can be complex issues that require the guidance of a professional.

Individual therapy can provide a space for you to explore past attachment trauma, identify patterns in relationships, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Through therapy, you can gain insight into how your attachment style affects your interactions with others.

A therapist can help you recognize patterns of co-dependent behavior and develop strategies to overcome them. By working through unresolved emotional wounds, you can learn to create healthy boundaries, communicate effectively, and build more fulfilling relationships.

Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. With the support of a trusted therapist, you can begin to heal from past traumas and move towards greater emotional health and resilience.


In conclusion, overcoming codependency in intimate relationships is a challenging process that requires dedication and effort. Just like climbing a mountain, it may be steep and difficult at times, but the reward of reaching the top is worth it.

As you work towards overcoming codependency, focus on improving your self-esteem, setting boundaries, and practicing mindfulness. Personal growth should also be a priority as you learn more about codependency and how it interacts with your attachment style.

Remember that saving a codependent relationship takes two people who are committed to change. Seeking help from a therapist or counselor can provide valuable support and guidance throughout this journey. At Evolve Therapy, we're experienced in supporting couples and individuals struggling with codependency, and we'd be glad to help you -- just reach out.

With determination and perseverance, you can break free from codependent patterns and build healthy relationships based on mutual respect and trust. Keep pushing forward - the view from the top will be worth it.

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