Why Does My Husband Reach Out to His Affair Partner? An EFT Perspective

One of the most painful questions partners ask after discovering an affair is: “If he says he wants our marriage, why does he still reach out to the other person?” 

The confusion and hurt can feel unbearable. From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, this behavior is not usually about love, desire, or a wish to leave the marriage, though it understandably feels that way.

More often, it reflects fear, dysregulation, and unfinished emotional attachment.

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Attachment, Not Just Infidelity

EFT understands humans as wired for attachment. We seek emotional safety, reassurance, and connection, especially under stress. An affair often becomes an attachment bond, not a healthy or secure one, but a powerful secondary attachment that forms during a time of vulnerability, loneliness, or emotional disconnection.

When that bond is suddenly cut off, the nervous system can go into panic. Even when the husband intellectually wants to end the affair and repair the marriage, his body may still be reacting to the loss of a familiar source of comfort or regulation.

Reaching out can be less about the person themselves and more about soothing anxiety, shame, or overwhelm.

Emotional Regulation and Avoidance

Many people who engage in affairs struggle with emotional regulation. Instead of turning toward their partner with fear, sadness, or inadequacy, they turn away. The affair partner often becomes a place where they felt admired, less burdened, or temporarily relieved from painful self-stories.

After discovery, those painful emotions intensify the guilt, self-loathing, fear of abandonment, and terror about the damage caused. Reaching out can be an attempt to escape these feelings or to reassure themselves that they are not “all bad.” This does not make the behavior acceptable, but it helps explain why stopping contact can feel so difficult without support.

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The Trauma on the Betrayed Partner

For the betrayed partner, any contact with the affair partner is deeply retraumatizing. It reopens the wound and reinforces the fear: “I am not chosen. I am not safe.” EFT recognizes betrayal as an attachment injury. Healing requires consistent, clear actions that rebuild safety, including full transparency and no contact with the affair partner.

Understanding the why behind the behavior does not mean tolerating it.

Boundaries are essential.

Compassion and accountability must coexist.

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Healing Through Secure Attachment

In EFT-based couples therapy, the goal is not to excuse the affair, but to understand the emotional processes that led to it—and to create a new pattern of secure connection. The unfaithful partner learns to turn toward their spouse with vulnerability instead of avoidance. The betrayed partner is supported in expressing their pain and needs in a way that can be heard and responded to.

When safety is rebuilt, the pull toward the affair partner typically fades—not because of willpower alone, but because the nervous system no longer needs that unsafe attachment.

Problems With Reaching Out to Affair Partners?

If your husband is reaching out to his affair partner, it does not mean reconciliation is impossible, but it does mean that deeper emotional work is needed. With skilled support, honesty, and firm boundaries, couples can move from devastation toward repair. Healing is not quick, but secure attachment can be rebuilt.

Reach out to us today to help rebuild your relationship.