top of page
  • Writer's pictureEvolve Therapy

When Is It Crossing The Line With An Affair?

A successful relationship needs trust, understanding, communication, and something fresh to survive; an affair, on the other hand, can undermine all of that.

Affairs can be complicated to navigate and mean different things to different people, as far as what is or is not an affair, and when that boundary is crossed -- especially in cases where there may not be any sexual infidelity, but emotional infidelity may still have occurred. So where do you draw the line?

Stages of Affair Secrecy

Secrecy is one of the key things that sets an affair apart from a regular, innocent friendship. It is also part of what makes affairs so damaging, as keeping secrets from your partner creates an environment of distrust and suspicion, leading to feelings of disconnect and loneliness.

Before you start trying to determine what crosses the line into an affair, exploring the various stages of secrecy in an emotional affair is essential, from the initial discovery period to the aftermath of disclosure. Through a proper understanding of the complexities of secrecy, individuals can take measures to help protect themselves and their families from the damaging effects of emotional infidelity.

Innocent Friendship Stage

At the beginning of an emotional affair, it starts as a platonic friendship. It's common for the connection to start because the two individuals have a lot in common in everyday situations--for instance, they may be office colleagues who see each other every day. But as the connection grows, boundaries blur, and personal feelings develop.

At this stage, the relationship is characterized by excitement, joy, and deep emotional friendship, but it hasn't yet developed into romantic feelings or a physical affair. The individuals involved may seek emotional support and validation from each other outside of their primary unfulfilling relationships, leading to a deeper emotional relationship that may eventually escalate into a full-blown affair experience.

Infatuation Stage

The Infatuation Stage is characterized by developing strong and intense feelings of attraction and infatuation toward the other person. These feelings can be powerful and overwhelming, leading individuals to become consumed by thoughts of the other person and to prioritize this new relationship above all else.

This stage can also lead to a heightened sense of excitement and anticipation, as the individuals may constantly look for ways to spend time together and deepen intimacy. However, it's important to note that these feelings of infatuation can often be short-lived and may not necessarily lead to a long-lasting relationship.

Need for Secrecy Stage

At this point in the development of the affair, the individuals involved start needing to keep their connection hidden from others, usually to avoid detection or to maintain a sense of excitement. This stage is characterized by a desire to keep their interactions, conversation, and activities confidential and away from the knowledge of friends, family, and other loved ones.

The need for secrecy can indicate that the individuals involved are aware that their actions are inappropriate or may harm their primary current relationship. At this point, the cheating partner may start to develop feelings of guilt and stress. Maintaining secrecy can add to the excitement and intensity of the affair, but it can also lead to negative consequences for the individuals and their relationships.

Emotionally Dependent Stage

The emotionally dependent stage is the part of the affair when the individuals involved become emotionally dependent on each other. This is when the emotional cheating aspect of an affair really begins. This emotional dependence can harm their primary relationships, as they may prioritize the secret connection with their affair partner above their existing commitments and responsibilities.

The emotional bond that develops during this stage can also lead to a greater sense of intimacy and attachment, making it difficult for the individuals to end the affair. Additionally, this stage can increase the potential for the affair to become a more serious and long-term commitment, potentially leading to the breakdown of the individuals' primary relationships and causing emotional harm to everyone involved.

It is essential to be mindful of the potential consequences of emotional dependence in any relationship, especially when it involves secrecy or a breach of trust. A serious emotional affair can have far-reaching and long-lasting effects on the individuals directly involved and their friends, family, and other loved ones.

It is important to note that not every emotional affair will go through these stages of relationships, and different people may experience various stages at other times. Additionally, the progression of stages may not be linear but could jump back and forth along the way.

Where Is the Line?

Healthy boundaries are essential in fostering trust and mutual respect in a relationship. Drawing a line between what is appropriate and protective for your primary relationship and what is not is paramount to the wellbeing of a committed relationship. Here are some ideas on where you might draw the line in different kinds of situations, and what crosses it:

Frequent Contact

Frequent contact with someone outside a relationship can be a warning sign of an emotional affair. If someone starts to engage in excessive communication with a particular person, whether through text, phone conversations, or in-person meetings, it can indicate that they are developing feelings for this other person. This kind of behavior can be a red flag that the boundaries of the platonic relationship are being tested, and potentially crossing a line.

Moreover, frequent contact with several different people may also signify a string of affairs, particularly if your partner tries to hide their interactions with these other people from you. It's essential to be aware of this behavior and to address any concerns early on to avoid the possibility of an affair. Open communication and trust within a primary relationship can help prevent and address these issues.

Frequent or Inappropriate Sharing

Sharing feelings and experiences is an essential part of any friendship or relationship. However, it's important to draw the line regarding what is shared and with whom. For example, if you frequently disclose very personal information to someone outside of the relationship, it can be a slippery slope to emotional cheating. Frequent intimate sharing could also indicate a partner isn't fully committed to the relationship or has difficulty setting boundaries.

Inappropriate sharing with others can harm a relationship, and it can create feelings of jealousy, hurt, and betrayal. Through frequent intimate sharing, you may start to develop an emotional bond with someone outside of your relationship, and that bond could even start to feel stronger than your bond with your partner, simply because you are sharing more personal topics with the other person. If your partner sense this happening, it can lead to mistrust, insecurity, and resentment and a widening divide between you and your partner. Additionally, it can cause communication problems within the relationship as the partner doing the frequent sharing may begin to withdraw and avoid discussing their feelings.

Constant Thoughts

Constantly thinking about someone other than your partner can harm your mental and emotional state and is another indicator of an emotional affair. It can be challenging to draw the line between healthy and unhealthy thoughts regarding being in a committed relationship.

It is essential to be aware of the dangers of constantly thinking about someone other than your current partner, such as potential insecurities, a strain on the relationship, and a heightened sense of guilt. In addition, constantly dwelling on the subject can lead to further problems.

Feeling Understood

The allure of feeling understood by someone else is undeniable; it is a deep desire for a meaningful connection between two people, despite differences. This bond is essential for a healthy and successful relationship, as it goes beyond just a surface-level connection and brings two people closer together. Feeling that your partner really knows and understands you, and loves you for who you are, is vital to a strong romantic relationship.

On the other side of things, if you don't feel understood by your partner, it can feel sad and lonely, and lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship. Not feeling understood by their current partner can be one reason that someone may begin an emotional affair. If a person feels disconnected and unseen in their relationship, they may seek out other people outside of the relationship who do make them feel understood. They may turn to people who made them feel understood in the past, such as an old college friend or school sweetheart. If they do find someone else who fulfills their need to be understood, it can be easy for them to start building emotional intimacy and dependence with this other person, potentially leading to an emotional affair.

Therefore, it's important to pay attention to your connection with your partner. Do you feel closely connected, and are you fulfilling each other's needs to feel safe, loved, and understood? If your partner feels disconnected, there could be a risk that they will start to try meeting their emotional needs with other people.

Unfair Comparisons

It is inevitable that someone who is having an affair will often end up comparing their primary relationship partner with their affair partner. But comparing one's partner to another individual can be detrimental to the relationship and can have long-term impacts on your or your partner's psychological health.

Unfair comparisons commonly focus on a partner's physical attractiveness, intelligence, or accomplishments. If your partner is comparing you with other people, it may lead you to have feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and low self-esteem. As a result, it can be difficult for an individual to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship if these unfair comparisons are made.

Spending Less Time With Your Partner and More With Someone Else

When you're in a relationship, you're supposed to be committed to spending your life with your partner. But what if you're not getting along? What if you're spending time apart than together? Is it still considered an affair if you're just spending a lot of time with someone other than your partner, but you are not physically intimate?

While there's a lot of grey area, such as sexual tension between colleagues or friendships in the workplace - you are crossing the line if you spend a lot of extra time with someone other than your spouse. When you're spending more time with your affair partner than your actual partner, it's an issue. Especially if you're making excuses to yourself or your partner about why you're spending more time with this other person.

If you think you might be crossing the line, ask yourself why.

  • Are you unhappy with your partner?

  • Do you feel like your partner isn't meeting your needs?

  • Are you feeling stuck in your current relationship, or like there is something missing?

These are all critical questions to ask yourself to understand what might be pushing you to spend more time away from your partner while deepening your connections with others instead. If you're unsure, talk to a therapist or counselor who can help you explore your feelings and make the best decision for your relationship.


Secrecy is one of the top indicators of an affair. If you're feeling the need to keep aspects of a friendship secret from your partner, that's a sign that you know something about your behavior is crossing the line. Furthermore, a healthy relationship needs open communication and trust. When one partner begins to hide information from the other, it can create a divide that is difficult to recover from.

When a partner retreats into secrecy, it is essential to be open and honest and have a more emotional conversation to determine what information should remain private and what should be shared. Open communication can prevent misunderstandings, build trust, and foster more robust relationships.

What Should You Do if You Have Crossed the Line?

Crossing the line in a relationship can be a challenging experience - and it can be hard to know what to do when it happens. Whether it's a romantic relationship or a close friendship, crossing the line can cause guilt, embarrassment, and regret. If you have found yourself in this situation, it's essential to take the time to self-reflect and apologize for your actions.

Here are some points to keep in mind:

  1. Be honest and transparent with your partner about the affair. This includes admitting to the infidelity and being willing to answer any questions they may have.

  2. Take responsibility for your actions and apologize sincerely to your partner. This includes acknowledging the hurt and pain that your actions have caused.

  3. Seek professional counseling or therapy, both as a couple and individually. This can help you work through the emotions and issues that led to the affair and help you heal and move forward.

  4. Cut off contact with the person you had an affair with. This will show your partner that you are committed to rebuilding trust and moving forward.

  5. Practice open communication with your partner. This includes being willing to talk about your feelings, including bad gut feelings, thoughts, and concerns, and actively listening to your partner's perspective.

  6. Be willing to make amends and take steps to regain your partner's trust. This can include being transparent about your whereabouts, being open to regular check-ins, and being willing to make sacrifices to show that you are committed to the relationship.

  7. Be willing to put in the work to rebuild the relationship. This includes being patient and understanding as your partner processes the betrayal, being ready to make changes to improve the relationship, and committing to working through any challenges that may arise.

  8. Review your priorities, values, and goals and make sure they align with your partner and your relationship.

  9. Take time to reflect, learn from the experience, and make sure you will avoid repeating the same mistakes.

  10. Reaffirm your commitment to your partner and the relationship, and work towards rebuilding a robust and healthy relationship based on trust, openness, and mutual respect.

Crossing the line can be a stressful experience, but with a sincere apology and commitment to self-reflection and respect, you can move forward and make sure it never happens again.


It is important to recognize that affairs can be slippery, often blurring the line between moral and non-moral behavior. An affair typically involves deceit, secrecy, and a betrayal of trust. However, if you are experiencing significant stress, guilt, or emotional pain in your relationships, it may be time to seek help from a therapist in Minnesota.

At Evolve Therapy, we understand that relationships can be complex and that your choices can have lasting consequences. However, you shouldn't be defined by your mistakes. Instead, we encourage all couples to seek fulfillment and joy in their relationships, in order to build a happier life together.

If you feel like you or your partner are stuck, have crossed the line with an affair, or are concerned about doing so, we encourage you to reach out to one of our mental health professionals. Our team is here to support you and validate your feelings, offering a safe and confidential space to work through your issues and develop a plan for healthier relationships.

It's important to remember that affairs are not a glamorous solution to relationship problems. Instead, they can cause long-term harm to everyone involved. So, if you are struggling with relationship issues, don't hesitate to contact us at Evolve Therapy. We are here to help you find a better way.

6,057 views0 comments


bottom of page